Daughters of England Page 17

  “You would have to try a little harder,” I said.

  “I wish I could make you see. Lord Rosslyn wants the best for Kate. That is why he thought of this plan. You were saying only the other day that Kate had changed since I came here. Please, Sarah, try to understand that all this was done for Kate’s sake.”

  I was silent. I had to believe that. He had gone to these lengths to give her a better education…one which would equip her for his kind of world. But to have her taken secretly to his lodgings! That was what I could not forgive. I was deeply hurt because Kate had been persuaded to keep those visits a secret from me.

  Christobel said: “I can see this has shocked you deeply.”

  “Would you have expected it to do anything else? Obviously not, as you took such great pains to keep it from me.”

  “I am so sorry. But I love Kate. I wanted the best for her…and so does he. I know you do too. How I wish that you had not been there this afternoon.”

  “So that you could have continued to deceive me?”

  “It was all for the best. That was what I told myself.”

  “And so you reported to your employer what we are doing in this household?”

  She was silent.

  “Oh, Christobel, we were so fond of you. We thought you were one of us.”

  “I am, I am! I too am fond of you all. I have been so happy here.”

  “You were a good spy, and I dare say your employer is very pleased with you.”

  “Please, please, Sarah, do not say that. It is not like that at all. If you knew…Lord Rosslyn…”

  “I think I did know him rather well.”

  “That was long ago. I was a neighbor. Our families have been friendly for years. He is not really a happy man. Oh, but that is his story. He is very fond of Kate. He thinks of her good only…”

  “So he teaches deceit to match his own.”

  “Kate wanted so much to tell you. She hated having a secret from you.”

  “I know she would, but you persuaded her. I understand that.”

  “Sarah…what are you going to do? Are you going to send me away?”

  I was silent.

  I said: “You are as much Maggie’s concern as mine. I will talk to her. I feel too shaken myself to think clearly.”

  “You should not be walking about in a cold house in your nightclothes,” said Christobel practically. “Let me take you back to your room.”

  “I do not need to be taken.”

  She took my hands. “They are cold,” she said. “Come, I will make sure that you have extra bedclothes. You must not get a chill.”

  I laughed. I said: “You talk as though I have not made this discovery and you your confession.”

  “That does not prevent me being concerned about your health. You know how important it is that you do not catch another chill.”

  She had taken my arm and led me back to my room.

  I got into my bed and she tucked in the bedclothes. She said: “You are shivering. I shall find something more to put on you.”

  I lay in bed thinking what a strange day this was and of all the revelations it had brought.

  I felt that exhilaration which the thought of Jack Adair never failed to bring to me.

  Christobel came back with more bedclothes. She put them over me, then stood for a few moments looking at me. There was an expression of regret and deep affection on her face.

  I said: “Good night, Christobel.”

  “Good night,” she said and went out.

  I felt bewildered and deeply shocked, and I did not know what I should do.

  I thought: Maggie will have to know. I shall tell her in the morning.

  I felt very weak the next morning; I had scarcely slept through the night, and my cough, which often troubled me, was now worse.

  I was very anxious to talk to Maggie. But not when Kate was around. I decided that I would stay in my room and Maggie and I would talk there at the first opportunity.

  Kate came in to see me, a look of concern on her face.

  “Oh, Mama, you are not so well this morning.”

  She came and kissed me, and I held her close to me. I was thinking: She has been deceiving me, my own Kate. I would never have thought it of her. But she was young and Christobel, who had great influence with her, would have convinced her that there was no harm in what she did.

  “Shall I sit with you, Mama? Shall I read to you?”

  “No,” I said. “I shall sleep a little. Then I will feel better. Perhaps Maggie will come and sit with me. You must get to your lessons.”

  It was not long before Maggie came up. She looked anxious.

  “You overdid it yesterday,” she said. “It’s too soon to walk so far. You should take it slowly. Now, what’s wrong?”

  “Maggie,” I said, “I must talk to you. I have made an alarming discovery.”

  I told her what had happened.

  She listened incredulously.

  “Christobel,” she murmured.

  “She has been his spy. Oh, Maggie, what are we going to do?”

  Maggie was silent. Then a faint smile spread across her face.

  “I was wrong,” she said. “I thought he would have his way and shrug his shoulders at the consequences. But he really cares about our girl. He really cares.”

  “You find that amusing?”

  “I find it revealing.”

  “We must ask Christobel to go.”

  “That would be a pity. She’s excellent for Kate.”

  “But to take her visiting him…secretly…behind our backs.”

  “He is her father, Sarah.”

  “But he forfeited all rights to her when he cheated me…”

  “Did he forfeit his rights? I am not sure. He may well have saved Kate’s life at Whitehall Stairs, and now he is giving her a good education…equipping her for the world.”

  “Maggie…you are defending him!”

  “In truth, I am thinking of what is best for Kate.”

  “She is being brought up to be deceitful.”

  “Sometimes a little deceit makes life run more easily.”

  “Maggie!”

  “I’m trying to look at this sensibly. I’m thinking of what he can give her…what he can do for her. We have to consider Kate. That is more important than your hurt pride. Already his interest in her may have saved her life. Christobel has given her a great deal. We could not have educated her in the same way. Lord Rosslyn could do a great deal for his daughter.”

  “But…”

  “Forget your grievances, Sarah. Let us think of Kate.”

  “You don’t seem very shocked about his sly way of actually paying for a governess and then arranging these clandestine meetings.”

  “No, I think it is just enterprising and I am relieved…considerably so. Sarah, I’ll be frank. I’m thinking of Kate’s future. What could we give her? Consider that. Whereas he…”

  “He would not acknowledge her as his daughter. He is married. He has his family.”

  “He still seems to have some regard for her, and he has gone to a great deal of trouble over her. Listen to me, Sarah. I am getting old. What could I do for Kate? You have not been in good health for some time. What is going to happen to Kate in the years to come? No, I welcome this. He cares for her. He keeps an eye on her. Kate needs that. Who knows? She may need help desperately. This is not an easy world, Sarah, for the poor. I could not bear that Kate should not have a chance to lead a happy life.”

  I was staring at her in horror. I noticed afresh those lines that pain had etched on her face. She was referring not only to herself, but to my long and lingering weakness and the fact that I had not been fit to take a part for some months now.

  I thought of Kate…left alone in the world.

  Maggie was right. If he had not really cared for her—and he must, for this was more than a whim—he would not have gone to such trouble. If we were unable to look after Kate, what then? To think of him in the background was
suddenly a comforting thought after all.

  We were both silent for a few moments.

  Then I said: “What of Christobel? Can we keep her after this?”

  “What if we sent her away? How would we explain it to Kate? Kate loves her. They are the greatest of friends. Think what Christobel has done for her. She is making Kate into a young lady who will be at ease in any society. Is that not worth a little…er… loss of pride? Jack Adair is her father. There is no denying that. Why should he not take an interest in her? Why should he not contribute to her needs? Look at it from a practical point of view. There is such a thing as cutting off one’s nose to spite one’s face.”

  “You mean, we let everything stay as it is? Do nothing?”

  Maggie nodded slowly. “It is always a good plan when in doubt.”

  So Christobel remained. And there was a tacit agreement between us that everything should go on as before.

  And I had to admit to a certain relief. I had been secretly worried about Kate’s future if anything should happen to Maggie or myself.

  I had another bout of illness soon after that. I coughed a great deal, which weakened me considerably.

  I had not been out for some time and the prospect of working seemed very remote. The winter was harsh and I could only promise myself that with the coming of spring my health would improve.

  Nothing more had been said to Christobel and it seemed to be taken for granted that Maggie and I accepted the situation and that, since Jack was paying for Kate’s education, he had a right to see her now and then and to take an interest in her welfare.

  I guessed that he was very well aware of my frail health. He would know, of course, that I had not played on the stage for many months. He might even be amused at the manner in which we had accepted the situation which he had thrust upon us because we were wise enough to see that there was no help for it.

  So the new year was with us. I longed for the cold, dark days to pass. I kept telling myself that I would feel better in the spring. But it was a harsh January and I suffered another spell of ill health.

  I recovered in time, but was still very weak and spent most of the time in bed in my room. Maggie, with Martha and Jane, cosseted me a great deal. Kate would spend a great deal of time reading to me. She used to read plays to me by Dryden, Shakespeare, Beaumont and Fletcher. I would listen and we would play the parts together. Kate delivered the lines beautifully but I did not think she was eager for a career on the stage. I was rather glad of that. I was thinking a great deal about her future. Maggie and I often talked of it. As yet, she was only ten years old.

  “A great deal can happen in one year,” said Maggie, “let alone five or six.” And there was a faint anxiety in her voice.

  As the winter progressed, I believed I knew that I was never going to be strong enough to act again. My cough persisted. My weakness lingered too long. I would sit at the window of my bedroom and look down on the cobbles below. I heard the cries of the street traders and the sound of the carriages rolling by on the way to the theater. I was no longer part of it. I thought often of the days when I had first come here and how exciting I had found it all. I often dreamed of those days when I was happiest of all and when Jack had taken me from that house in Knightsbridge to his lodgings.

  I would relive it all again, giving it my own ending. He was my true husband and we lived together in harmony in his splendid country house with Kate, our eldest daughter, and her brothers and sisters.

  A foolish dream, remote from reality. But when the future is a little frightening, it is comforting to dwell in fantasy rather than face stark reality.

  Then a strange thing happened. We had a visitor.

  Maggie came to my room.

  She said: “He wants to speak to you. He is below.”

  “You mean…?”

  She nodded. “Yes. Jack Adair. He asked to see you.”

  “Oh, Maggie.”

  “I think you should. If you refuse, he will go away. He says he does not wish to disturb you. I’ll bring him up, shall I?”

  I nodded, and a few minutes later she brought him to my room.

  He looked at me with great tenderness and I felt that lifting of my spirits which he could always bring about.

  “You will have much to say to each other,” said Maggie. “I shall leave you together.”

  When we were alone, he came to the bed and sat on it, facing me, and then took my hands in his.

  “Sarah,” he said, “I am so sorry it was the way it was.”

  I said ruefully: “How could it have been otherwise?”

  “I thought we should go on being happy together, even though…”

  “No,” I said. “That was impossible.”

  “I have come to ask you to forgive me.”

  I was silent.

  “I knew you would find it hard to do that. I did not realize that it would have meant so much to you. I thought we could have come to some arrangement. You see, I was not free…and I wanted you so much. Can you understand that?”

  I nodded.

  “I acted…” He paused and I finished it for him.

  “You acted as so many men of your acquaintance would have done in such circumstances. I know that. It was a prank…an amusement. You would have set me up in a house, I know, and you would have been my lover for as long as it amused you to be so. But it was not the life I could live.”

  “I should have known that, and I am asking you now to forgive me.

  “Well,” I said, “it is a long time ago. And now I understand why you did it, so perhaps I do forgive you.”

  He kissed my hands.

  “I love you, you know, Sarah. I always did.”

  “If one truly loves, does one trick and deceive?”

  He was silent, but he looked very penitent.

  “Then there is Kate,” he said.

  “I know. You have paid for her education. You have seen her. You are trying to win her affection. Have you told her that you are her father?”

  “No,” he said. “I would not do that without consulting you.”

  “Is that what you have come here to do?” I asked.

  “No. I have come because Christobel has told me of your illness. You know that she has been seeing me.”

  “I was very shocked when I saw them coming out of your lodgings.”

  “Yes, I know. Oh, I am sorry it has gone this way, Sarah. Kate is an enchanting child. I am proud to claim her. What I wanted you to know was that if…if there came a time when you needed me…when Kate needed me…I shall be there.”

  “You mean you would care for her?”

  “I do.”

  And in that moment I realized that which I had not accepted until this moment. I was more ill than I had allowed myself to believe.

  Christobel knew this. She had imparted it to him. He wanted to reassure me that I need not fear for Kate if I were no longer there to care for her.

  I thought of Kate…without me. Maggie was aging. Christobel was young and energetic. But Christobel was employed by Jack, not us. And I thought: If I were gone, he would be there to care for her.

  I looked at him steadily and he said: “You can trust me, Sarah, this time.”

  Kate

  1678-1689

  The Dower House

  MY MOTHER DIED ON the first day of spring in the year 1678. I suppose it should not have been unexpected, for she had been ill for some time, but it was a great shock to us all nevertheless, and we were a bewildered and desolate household when the blow fell.

  We had been so close, all of us, my mother, Maggie, Christobel and myself. Even the servants had been like members of the family. I had grown up in that happy atmosphere and, with the thoughtlessness of the young, expected it to go on forever.

  The other day, when I was sorting out my mother’s possessions—a task which I found heartrending, with its perpetual reminders of the past, and which I could not attempt until some little time had elapsed after her death—I found her not
ebooks in which she had recorded the events of her life from the time when she was living on the estate which her father managed, and her coming to London with Kitty Carslake and becoming an actress. I read, too, of her meeting with my father and how she went through a mock marriage with him. I was glad that I had already heard of this, for he had told me of it.

  And later the urge came to me to continue with the story, and when I am old I shall read it and I shall be able to recall her as clearly as she was to me all those years before.

  Perhaps, though, I shall not carry this out. But at the moment, I tell myself, I will at least attempt it.

  I can never think back to the time of her death without experiencing a deep emotion. I recall so clearly that terrible realization that I should see her no more and that a life which had gone on smoothly for years could suddenly change so tragically.

  Poor Maggie was completely devastated. For a time she lost that bold and rather domineering attitude toward the world. She was just bewildered and utterly miserable. I understood her feelings, for I shared them.

  Christobel was a great comfort to us both at that time.

  She was practical and made us eat when we had no desire to do so. She made us consider the everyday life around us which must continue, whatever tragedy we had to face. We were indeed a house of mourning.

  About two weeks after my mother’s death Lord Rosslyn called. He was shut in the parlor with Maggie and was there for over an hour. I was very disappointed when he left without seeing me. I stood at my window, watching him go, feeling deflated and hurt.

  Almost immediately there was a tap on my door and Martha came in. She said Maggie wanted to see me at once.

  I ran down to the parlor. Maggie was sitting there, looking very solemn.

  “Come and sit down, Kate,” she said. “I have something to say to you.”

  I did so and she looked at me very sadly, and went on: “You have known for some little time that Lord Rosslyn is your father. You will also know that he lives in a very different manner from the way we do.”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “I suppose, too, you have some idea of the nature of his…er…relationship with your mother. You are very young as yet.”